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  • Writer's pictureRobert Spicer

Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer jokes (found on the Internet) • What is the difference between lawyers and sperm? There’s no difference: one in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being. • Why is it prohibited for lawyers to have sex with their clients? To prevent the client being charged twice for the same service. • It was so cold in Aberdeen one winter’s day that a lawyer was seen with his hands in his own pockets. • The problem with the legal profession is that 99 per cent of lawyers give the others a bad name. • What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion. • How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake the ladder. One to sue the ladder company. • Mark Twain: It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also, but I repeat myself. • Legal problems? Take my advice: 1. Don’t trust lawyers. 2. Treat lawyers as you would treat sharks. 3. Keep away from lawyers as far as possible. 4. Don’t pay lawyers. 5. If you have no choice but to consult a lawyer, be choosy, critical, questioning and cynical. The commonly observed habits of the traditional lawyer: • Drinking red wine to excess at every possible opportunity, particularly if it’s free. • Talking loudly in public • Wearing a period costume • Treating employees with disdain • Self-aggrandisement • Casual and subconscious racism • Contempt for the disabled • Sexual harassment • Falsely asserting detailed knowledge of legal topics • Contempt for progressive social movements.

It does no good to assert that solicitors will ever achieve the levels of advocacy skills which are attained on an everyday basis by the English Bar (Anon)

Thank God none of my sons became lawyers (Anon)

Such is the bounteous liberality of the legal profession that its members may hold any number of opinions, just as other members of society are entitled to. If this opinion oversteps the bounds of decency to which all opinions must restrict themselves, and in particular if opinion and profession become mixed up in court, then this becomes “a gross act of discourtesy” and contempt of court. (Anon)

Ever since the growth of central government, lawyers have been willing accessories to the political whims of the tyrant of the day and then with rat-like acumen switch sides at the last moment: feudalism to mercantilism, laisser faire capitalism to social democracy.

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